Jeni's First Digital Camera

Yes, it is sad, I know. I have been putting off buying a digital camera until I could afford the best. I still can't afford the best, but I got a really good deal on a decent camera, so I sucked it up and made the purchase. I have moved out of the obsolete world of film and here is the best take of ten at my first picture to post:

  • Current Music
    Switchfoot "Twenty Four"
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The Latest News

I have nothing to say about my life in general, which is what this journal is for.  Nothing good, nothing bad, just me, hanging out, considering watching House on DVD, and trying to see how many commas I can use in a (run-on) sentence.

But I have made a new post at my other journal if you want an update.  Get the latest scoop!
If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't go there.  If you've been keeping up over there, head on over and find out how things are going on that front.  (Groans at my own bad joke).

My Favorite Things

Today was a day for my favorite things. Yesterday was my uncle's memorial service. I was not by any means close to my uncle. I spent a lot of time at his house as a child, though most of what I remember involves my aunt--he was not there for those memories. What I do remember is watching wrestling with him. Usually I watched with my dad, and when the special events like Wrestlemania came up, my dad, my brother and I all went to my uncle's house to watch the events on pay-per-view. We all went together to watch wrestling at Lawlor. Yes, I am more red-neck than any of you thought possible. I really did watch and enjoy wrestling as a child. I even went so far as to make signs for the trips to Lawlor. I was one of the loudest people there. (Please keep in mind that all of this happened before I was even in high school.) The service was a military service at the cemetery in Fernley. Since it rained/snowed, it had to be move indoors. I did pretty well for most of it since we weren't close. But when they played Taps I lost it. I always cry when I hear Taps. I'm such a sissy. Then again, it was the first time in my life that I think I saw my dad tear up. I didn't see that even when his father died. This was my dad's younger brother. It was somewhat devasting to see my father get upset. My father is the stoic type and doesn't ever show his emotions. To see him stray from this pattern was rather difficult for me.
So anyway, today I woke up and felt like spending an entire day doing things I enjoy. I went for some retail therapy at Target. I mostly only bought things that I needed. Here is what I what I bought:
1 couch cover (originally 99.99)
My Dad's B-day Card
2 boxes Kleenex
1 pkg paper towels
1 pkg toilet paper
1 dress
1 shirt
1 shower curtain.
2 kitchen towels
2 potholders
2 120 pg. notebooks.

The game is: Guess how much I spent on all of these items. I will not reveal it until I've received some guesses.

The next thing that I did today that falls into my favorite things is "blush wine". I may or may not have finished off the entire bottle by myself. And I may or may not have continued to drink after that. I may have actually gotten tipsy. And then I may or may not have proceeded to talk to Becky for about an hour or so, while tipsy. I enjoyed our conversation during which we discussed the honest advantages of living in Nashville rather than in Reno or Vegas as a single female, as we both are.
Here's the catch: I have had dreams about marrying a single individual who is currently in Las Vegas at the age of 33.
I have also have had dreams that lead me to believe that the person that I will eventually marry is not even in Reno. So which dream am I to believe? The one that says that the person that treated me like trash will be the one that I marry at the age of 33... Or the one that says that the person that I will marry does not live in Reno, where I currently live, and have lived for my entire life.
Let me be honest for a moment... I have to say that the option that the person I will marry does not live here is much more tempting. At least then the fact that I have not met a single person who is interested in me for more than sex by the age of 28 is not entirely my fault. At least then, the fact that I spent 6 years in love with someone who didn't love me in return would not destroy all hope I have/had of finding someone, someday. I truly believe I may have better luck outside of Reno. Maybe I'm not meant to live in Reno forever. But how can I ever find our if I never leave?

  • Current Music
    Love Actually
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Why I'm a Bad Person:

Today was an interesting day.  I spoke to a lot of high maintenance people and I think I'm learning to deal with this sort of thing better.  It certainly makes it a lot easier to deal with when you don't have someone constantly losing his/her temper two seats back.  This brings me to why I am a bad person.  I am very happy that I will no longer have to work with this person.  It brought me down to constantly hear someone degrading the people on the other end of the phone line.  It made me terrified that I will eventually turn into that if I was always around it .  But I won't have to deal with that anymore and I am incredibly happy and relieved. 
Tomorrow is my uncle's memorial service.  The ice queen wouldn't let me off of work until 12:30.  The ice queen is the woman who does the schedule and she is incredibly rude to everyone in the building.  It's actually a frequent topic of conversation.  I'm not quite sure why the manager lets her get away with treating people the way that she does.  The funny thing is, her sister also works with us and her sister is one of the kindest and most cheerful people I've ever met.  It's quite an odd contrast. 
So anyway, everything is still good at work, but the ice queen is quite cruel--but at least I know that it's nothing personal because she's like that to everyone.  That makes it easier to deal with. 
So that is my report for the moment--I'm not even about to try to find anything else to say because it's time for Law and Order CI and I don't want to miss anything.

  • Current Music
    Law & Order CI
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When I feel like nothing matters

At all points in my life, there is always a song that seems to suit what I am going through at any given time. Right now, the song that suits my mood is one called "Anyway" by Martina McBride. If you don't like country that's too bad. Please don't comment on your dislike country music on this post because it is irrelevant and has nothing to do with the post and I already know which of you don't like country, so I don't need to hear it again. The lyrics of the song that suits my mood at the moment are as follows:

You can spend your whole life building,

Something from nothing

One storm can come and blow it all away,

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway


God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good

And when I pray

It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway,

I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy

And it’s hard to believe

That tomorrow will be better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart,

For all the right reasons,

And in a moment they can choose to walk away

Love ‘em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good

And when I pray

It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway,

I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway,

Yeah sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love


Mostly, the reason why this song is so timely for me is because I actually tend to do the opposite. When I start to think things don't matter, or when I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I actually just give up. I don't do it anyway. I just stop doing anything. I mostly just sleep and watch TV. Yes, I know, bad habit, blah blah blah. That's why I'm posting the song, as a reminder to myself to do 'it' even though it never seems to change anything. To pray even though my life continues to remain the same. To go to the gym even though it hurts. To keep writing even though I don't think it's any good. To clean even though nobody will see it if I don't. To talk to my friends even though all I think I want is to be alone. I'm trying to work on doing it anyway. On valuing my commitments to myself as much as I value my commitments to others. I would never treat another person the way that I treat myself. If I told someone else that I would meet them somewhere, I would be there, probably early. But if I tell myself that I'm going to do something, I usually just blow it off. This needs to stop. I need to keep my commitments to myself in the same way that I would keep my commitments to others. Only in this way can I keep my commitments to God.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained

This Post is Rated R for language

Before I start writing this post, a small disclaimer.  I am not upset, nor depressed,so please don't get the wrong idea.  I'm trying to unload some baggage that should have been gone a long, long time ago.  Pretty much, I can't sleep.  Not really related, but it was a year ago, so why not fix it now?  If any of you have ever seen the movie "The Holiday" the character played by Kate Winslet experiences something more real to me than anything else I've ever seen in a movie.  Yes, I know it's partially my own fault for being too forgiving, but not anymore. So here goes with an open letter to captain asshole. 
Dear Captain Asshole:
It has been over three months since you called me for my address so you could send my DVD's back.  Not that I expected anything less from someone who has never once followed through on a promise made to me.  Plenty of people told me that you'd never kept your word, but I didn't want to hear it.  I was too blinded by all of the good times and the empty expressions of affection.  All I really want from you right now is to send back my f***ing DVDS.  After you've done that, don't bother calling, writing or anything.  I am tired of being used by you.  Of being on stand-by for late night conversations when you're in between pre-pubescent waifs.  Either you're my friend, or you're not.  And obviously you're not.  Aside from the fact that a friend does not keep secrets about the important things that are happening in their lives, as you did in the past, a friend calls every once in a while regardless of whether or not they are "dating" someone at the time. 
I'm happy that you're happy, and I'll be happier once this is finished.  Don't bother calling me when your next fling dumps you.  I am not your back-up plan.  I am not the girl you run to for tea and sympathy every time your flings don't work out.  I am better than that.  I deserve a friend who is always a friend and if I can't have that, the don't bother me at all.  I don't love you anymore, and yes, I did love you for a very long time.  I have recently come to realize what a selfish asshole you really are.  In our friendship, you have never done anything because it's what's best for me.  Everything you've done, no matter how many times you try to say it's just because you never wanted to hurt me, has been because that's what's easy for you. 
It was easy for you to say, "I'm not dating right now."
It was easy for you to let me find out about your first big relationship from somebody else, even though you knew what you meant to me.
It was easy for you to come back to me when things didn't work out with her and never saying that it was just because you needed a friend (because God knows you had PLENTY of male friends--you were living with them)
It was easy for you to ignore my request to be honest with me about your feelings.
It was easy for you to pop back into my life and pretend like nothing had happened.
And it's easy for you to come running back to our friendship every time another girl hurts you, just as I knew they would.
It's time for you to stop doing the easy thing, and just leave me the f*** alone.  Don't come calling here anymore.  Don't write.  Don't let that stop you from having open conversation with our mutual friends where I can see.  I don't expect that.  But don't consider me a part of your life anymore because I am removing myself.  And don't try to make me feel guilty because you "value" my friendship "so much".  If you had truly valued it, ever, you would have worked harder to keep it.  You would have shown more honesty.  You would actually make an effort to have regular contact.  You would respect my wishes.
I deserve more than the lies you've always told me.  I deserve more than the absentee friend who pops in every once in a while, when things aren't looking as they did for the previous few months.  I deserve more than you.  My friends were right.  My mom was right.  I deserve better.  I deserve someone who is there all of the time, not just when it's convenient.  I deserve someone who will love me for who I am and who will not be afraid to tell me the truth, even when it might hurt.  I deserve the best God has for me, and obviously that isn't you.   I truly do wish you the best, but I also wish myself the best, and now I know that isn't you.

Good Night and Good Luck